


Searchings of Heart

by etux



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Future, Lesbians in Space, Pining, Science Fiction, non-dystopian scifi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etux/pseuds/etux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Debbie wants to see the wild forests of Earth. Emma just wants Debbie. Only one can get what they want, and Emma almost wishes neither will.</em>
</p>
<p>Year is 2248. Two girls on the Mars colony have reached a turning point. One is in love with Earth and one is in love with the other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Searchings of Heart

**2248**

“ _Debbie_ ,” Emma sighs. She likes to pretend she _doesn’t_ sound like she’s drowning. Her head is in Debbie’s lap. Debbie’s fingers are tangled in her hair. It’s all too much and never ever _ever_ enough. “Will you miss me?”

It’s a question that has been sitting on Emma’s tongue for months now. Ever since she read the name _Deborah Jameson_ on the list of the crew for next space flight to Earth. 

Yeah, that’s right, _read_. Debbie hadn’t even told her. 

It had come out of nowhere.

**2247**

“What the FUCK do you mean ‘ _out of nowhere_ ’?” Debbie’s eyes are a dark, dark storm, and Emma hates that she’s the reason Debbie’s upset, but this is important and Debbie’s not the only one who has been hurt. Debbie is going to leave. Leave Mars. Leave Emma. “I’ve talked about this for years, Em, for _years_. Going to Earth is and has been literally the only thing I want since I was fucking five years old.”

And, to be fair, it really has. Earth is all Debbie talks about. All she loves. Leaving the colony to see green forests and blue oceans is all Debbie has ever dreamt of. Emma knows this.

Mostly because it’s all she’s ever dreaded.

**2231**

Debbie’s grandmother, Abigail, tells the best stories. 

Or that’s what Debbie thinks. Emma doesn’t care so much.

Sure, the blue water sparkling in the sunlight and the colourful birds singing their own stories on the branches of hundred year old trees all sound wonderful, and _yeah, Debbie, it_ is _so cool Abey wasn’t born on Mars_. But. In her opinion, the way the stories light up Debbie’s face is way more fascinating.

“Safta! Tell us again about swimming in the sea!” Debbie screams as soon as Emma’s laughing mother drops the two girls at Mrs. Jameson’s house before heading to work at the tech center.

Before telling any stories, Abey gives Emma and Debbie both teeny-tiny glasses of apple juice she swears she brought from Earth with her. Emma doesn’t think it’s possible since Abey came to Mars when she was nine, and she’s got to be _at least_ hundred and twelve now. No apple juice would last that long, not when Abey offers it to Emma and Debbie every time they visit. 

But Debbie believes her grandma and she seems so happy every time she gets to drink juice from _Earth_ , Emma doesn’t bother telling her it’s probably made from the apples from the same greenhouses Debbie’s mom works in.

Debbie downs her juice in one gulp and then demands to hear the swimming story. Abey laughs and starts the same way she always does: “It was a sunny day on Earth. There was only few fluffy white clouds on the bright blue sky-”

Emma sips her juice little by little, savours it, and lets Abey’s words wash over her. Debbie is sitting right beside her; Emma can smell Debbie’s hair, the regulation soap mixed with some citrus Debbie’s mom smuggles from the greenhouses when it’s possible.

Earth is good, but Emma has everything right here with her.

**2241**

“--and that is why I want to become a spaceship technician like my great-great-aunt!”

Debbie ends her presentation a graceful bow. Behind her on the smartboard is a picture of a beautiful wild forest. The green moss runs on the deep brown of the trunks of the trees, much like Debbie’s laughter and eyes and smile and smell and voice run in Emma’s veins at this point.

Debbie wants to see the wild forests of Earth. Emma just wants Debbie. Only one can get what they want, and Emma almost wishes neither _will_.

**2247**

Emma looks at the angry tears in Debbie’s eyes and swallows down the _don’t leave me, please_ , ignoring the way it burns her throat and turns her stomach around.

“Sorry. I was just surprised, I guess,” she says instead and only cries when Debbie wraps her arms around her.

Emma and Debbie have been joined at the hip since they were two and a half, and now, suddenly there’s a deadline for their closeness. How many hugs like this Emma will get? How many touches before her already fractured heart will finally break into pieces?

**2248**

“Of course I will miss you,” Debbie whispers. “That’s a stupid question. You’re my best friend. _Of course_ I will miss you.”

It would mean more if this wasn’t their last night before Debbie is off to Earth.

It would mean more without the ‘best friend’.

It would mean more if Emma could just fucking let go and be happy for Debbie’s dream becoming true.

But Emma can’t. She just can’t. And that’s why she reaches for Debbie’s face and pulls her down for one first last kiss.

It’s their last night. There’s nothing to lose. It can all go unsaid and Emma will have this much at least to keep.

One kiss.

It’s enough. It’s enough. It’s enough. It’s--

**2248**

\--not enough. It’s not enough.

One first last kiss and suddenly Emma can’t keep it all inside anymore. The things she’s kept secret for years--

\---Debbie is on the steps to the ship, waving at her family and Emma’s. She looks happy. Excited to live the dreams true. Not at all like one first last kiss has turned everything upside down, ruined it all----

“DEBBIE!” Emma screams, the words she’s kept locked in her heart now dancing on the lips that kissed Debbie’s _only few hours ago_. “PLEASE, PLEASE STAY, I LOVE YOU, I-”

The smile falls from Debbie’s face. She turns around and steps on to the ship.

Emma’s mom holds her close when Debbie’s back disappears and everything crumbles, crumbles down.

**2249**

Message comes from Earth that Debbie’s spaceship has arrived safely.

Emma takes a bottle of apple juice - _not_ Earth-made, thank you very much - goes to Abey Jameson.

“Tell me about swimming in the sea,” she pleads. There’s been no word from Debbie for a year.

**2239**

“We’ll always be best friend, right?”

The question makes Emma raise her head and look at Debbie’s worried frown. She doesn’t know where this is coming, why Debbie feels the need to even _ask_ this - it should be so painfully clear that there’s nothing that could come between them. Emma loves Debbie with all of her heart, even the parts she’s not sure are _allowed_ to love Debbie and,

“Yeah, we will.”

**2250**

Debbie’s ship returns to Mars without Debbie.

It’s not a surprise. Staying on Earth was always Debbie’s plan, but still -

Emma had hoped.

**2247**

“You should come to Earth too.”

“I’m going to be a kindergarten teacher. There’s no need for me on a spaceship.”

“There’s kids on Earth, Emma.”

“And there’s kids here, _Deborah_. Drop it.”

**2247**

The truth is, Emma is too scared to go with Debbie. Too scared that there won’t be space is Debbie’s heart for both Emma and Earth once she’s _on_ Earth.

**2248**

So she lets Debbie leave instead. Lets her choose now and not later.

**2250**

“Have you thought about letting go?” Abey asks after she’s told the swimming story for the third time this week alone. 

Emma stares at her glass of apple juice and refuses to answer. She knows she should let go, knows that she _has_ to let go, one day, but she’s not ready yet. There was a holo message from Debbie the day before yesterday, and it was addressed to the Jamesons like they all have been, but-- Debbie mentioned her. For the first time in two years there had been a “tell hello to Emma and her mom” at the end of her message.

“She’s not coming back,” Abey says. Emma downs her apple juice.

“I know,” she says and presses _play_ on Abey’s holo device.

“-hello to Emma-” says holo-Debbie.

She’s not ready yet. Not yet.

**2253**

Emma’s heart doesn’t stop every time a ship arrives from Earth anymore. Her heart hurts still, but at least it beats.

For a while there she was scared it wouldn’t anymore. She thought maybe there was no blood in her veins anymore, only Debbie.

But she had been wrong. The life goes on.

**2248**

Debbie kisses her back.

**2253**

Emma is cleaning the classroom when she hears a cough from the doorway.

The world slows down as she turns around.

**2248**

Debbie kissed back, but it was also she who pulled back, so Emma doesn’t think much of it. She just goes to bed with a painfully throbbing heart.

**2253**

“I love you too,” Debbie says. It doesn’t explain anything. Doesn’t excuse anything. Doesn’t fix anything. “Earth wasn’t that great without you.”

But it’s a start.

**2253**

Who needs Earth and it’s blue seas and green forests, when you have Debbie’s dark eyes and dark skin beside you on your lilac sheets?


End file.
